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I haven't posted here...in forever. Not since I got my glorious myspace page and built that. But I dunno. I felt like checking in on my LJ, though I don't even know if anyone else I know keeps their LJ anymore either. But. Just the same, a little hello to the LJ world!

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content

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I know...I'm too fickle. I hear it all the time. I change screen names (on AOL) too often. I change journals too often. (Oh come on! I made this one, and one other...Until now.) I change e-mails too often (not true, my yahoo has never changed!). But tough. Oh yeah, and we move too much (we've lived in 6 different places in the last five years, currently in number 6). Hahahaha! Doom on you! We'll likely be moving into home number 7 before fall. But this will be the last time. And I think this will be the last time I move journals. This one will still be here, I might drop a note in it once in a while to keep it alive and such, but from now on, most likely, my entries will be into the new journal. Find it here:

you don't see me

If you wonder about the name, or the notmyeyes address thing...Well. It's a long story, but it's metaphorical for the most part. Obviously, it's not reality. Haha. Anyway...I thought about moving all my posts but then thought, nah. I'll just refer everyone back to this journal should they ever want to read past entries. There. It should work well enough.

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hopeful

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It pertains to more than..well. The obvious. Things are still in the works. We're working on getting a home loan. Work in progress, but it actually looks surprisingly good. Our credit scores aren't quite as bad as we thought...Yay! We may even qualify for 100% financing. Now if it would just quit raining so Shain could work...Yes, I know. Sounds a little bit odd. He's not unemployed, it's just been raining so much...Stupid rain. But we're being careful and so far, we're ok. Almost not ok, but so far we are.

Also, I'm thinking of closing out this journal and moving to a different one. But I haven't decided yet. Thus...Still thinking. I really do like this one and it's setup, so. Probably won't be moving, I'll just keep my laconic angel journal for entries that my family might not want to read. LoL. Yeah, that sounds good. I think. Maybe. I'm so fickle! :: flails ::

On the plus side of life, Patty and Dan (I might've mentioned Patty before) and Shain and I have become good friends. They live here in Mayville, have three kids that are close to our own in age. Ariah (4), Abbey (2), and Aiden (almost 1), to our Sorcha (3) and Jacen (1). We've been hanging out a lot and it's just been really cool. Having a lot of fun, it's good to have friends close by!

Oh yes, and Jacen had his first birthday on May 19th, with a party on May 22nd. Patty, Dan, Abbey, Ariah, Aiden, my parents, Shain's parents, Shain's brother Trevor...All were present. Kolena and Chris couldn't make it up, they live kinda far away. But it was a great party. And that was the day that began the friendship with Patty and Dan in earnest. Anyway, it's getting a little late, I need to go. Besides, I'm trying to keep an eye on a race for Shain...Video game. You can play as if you're the crew chief and direct your car, sometimes you have to tell the driver what to do so it can get a little tedious. LoL. But it's fun! I love this game. Hehehe. And I'm rambling. Off I go!

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Today was a nightmare. Sort of. It could've been worse, I'll admit that.

Shain got laid off.

Apparently they had more employees than work. Apparently they couldn't even give a simple warning so Shain could've put in for another job, with another company...or something. Anything. So now...We can't draw unemployment until Jan. 2006, so we're SOL. We don't even qualify for any say...emergency food stamps or anything because he made too much for the month. It's bull.

Shain thinks that he's worthless, and that's why he keeps getting laid off. He's been fired twice, never called back once and now...laid off in the BEGINNING of construction season. They said they'd keep him in mind, which in general terms means, "You're at the bottom of the pile and if we run out of people, we'll call you".

One of my 'friends' quit RP, again. And now myself and the others in the group are trying to recover SLs that got canned or altered majorly by her leaving. I'm not mad. What I am is perplexed and a bit hurt, but I get tired of saying why...so whatever.

I'm tired. Of everything and almost everyone. I'm not in a 'humorous' mood at all. I'm just exhausted. I don't want to be cheered up, I don't want suggestions and opinions. I don't even really want sympathy. Doesn't leave much, does it? I'll take whatever I get dished tho'. :: sighs :: Right now, I think I'll write myself a Leave Of Absence excuse to all my RP buddies and maybe go put the kids to sleep, then try to get some sleep myself. Maybe we'll be blessed by God and Shain being laid off when he was will somehow pan out to a better job, better pay...Better something.

So many phone calls to make tomorrow. Maybe then I'll feel better.

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groggy

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I'm exhausted...Not just physically, although I was up way too late last night and had to get up way too early...Ok, so it wasn't early. I just happened to only get four and a half hours of sleep...Anyway! I'm also exhausted mentally. It's been an exhausting week!

Shain has gone back to work. A good thing. Except that he found out that instead of getting metro scale like everyone else, he's getting Western Minnesota scale (an $8/hour difference, Shain's getting less than everyone else) and to top it off, everyone else is getting per diem, except him. Which also isn't fair, he lives just as far away from the job as the other guys on it. And there are guys on the job site that JUST started with Veit this year. Have never worked for them before..and they're getting better pay and per diem, where as Shain is in his second year with the company and getting less. One of the guys says it's because Shain's "from the area". I didn't know areas included a 100 mile radius. I'm just as upset about this as Shain. We're both tired of jumping from company to company, and we'd thought Veit was a good one. Except they really screwed up the unemployment last year...and now this.

Other reasons I'm exhausted:

Denise Bratholt died on Monday. Known her my whole life. Sure, she was mentally and physically impaired, was in a nursing home when she died...But really. I didn't see it coming. Neither did her husband or anyone else for that matter. She'd been going down hill, but no one expected the landslide event of her death. Her funeral is tomorrow and I probably can't go. The kids are sick, I have no one to watch them, and I have to get Shain's paycheck from the post office in the morning and take it up to Grand Forks to put in the bank. Then I'd have to drive all the way to Fargo for the funeral. I don't know if I want to, or can, do that. I just don't know.

Plus, Tom, another friend of the family that's been like an uncle to me, he's been at Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas dinners several years...Has prostate cancer. They removed a cancerous lump from near his ear last year, now this. I don't know...I think Tom might not live a lot longer. It's hard to tell though. Cancer can be so unpredictable, and with treatement...

Overall, I'm just tired. The IUD that they put in is still causing minor bleeding on a daily basis. It's a birth control device that's inserted directly into the uterus. If you're all that curious, I suggest going to WebMD.com and looking it up. Yes, it hurts when they put it in. No it doesn't hurt anymore. Uncomfortable at times...But that's just minor cramping. I've been getting migraines and severe  headaches on a daily basis...I'm just tired.

On the up side, Shain, the kids and I have started going to church. Two sundays in a row, yay! I've been spending more time praying. I'm not much good at reading the Bible, but at least I've been making an effort to take things to God in prayer. Honestly, I don't care if anyone believes me or not, but it makes me feel better, more calm and in control of my emotions more. Funny, how some people dislike Christians and say they refuse to believe in God because they never saw/felt anything...Funny to me because I've seen and felt so much. So many reasons to believe. I think the biggest problem is that people are always looking for miracles or for things to go "their way" and it doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes "God's way" isn't the same as ours because we can't see past our noses. Don't take that as an insult. Most people are so focused on the present and their perception of the future that they close themselves off to other possibilities that are just as good if not better. And that's why prayers don't come true.

My back is killing me. I'm going to go now. RP or try to do something fun with my kids. Who knows. It's been so cold and windy..and the kids already have colds (another source of my exhaustion)...I hate to take them outside where it could get worse. Hopefully it warms up soon. They so love to be outside!

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sore

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It's been so long since I last wrote in here...I don't know where to start. Blargh. Umn. Lessee..

Except, I can't think now that I actually want to update my journal, because suddenly I have a migraine. Blah. And the day was going so good...

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irritated

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OMG...I think I'm gonna commit suicide. Ok, not really. But damnit all to hell. I'm having an allergic reaction to one of the two medications I got put on to get rid of an infection in my uterus....And I've broken out in hives on EVERY INCH of my body. Yes, even in my ears, throat and on my fingers. I can't decide which parts are worse. Throat? Ironically, that hurts. Feet? Fingers, ears, torso? Oiyas. I wanna scream. Actually, I have the urge to pommel my OB/GYN. I expressed concern about one of the drugs because my son had the exact same reaction I'm having to it, a few weeks before...But I was assured I must have been mistaken? Someone will pay. Oh yes. Someone will pay!!!

Now I have to wait till tomorrow to get Benadryl in hopes that will help, in the mean time new welts are popping up everywhere, and the chest pain is also concerning. It got worse when I took another pill. My aunt is a nurse and said since there was only two days left of the metronidazole to finish it off. Now I'm starting to flip out. But since I can't do anything till tomorrow morning, to hell with it all, I'm going to bed. >.< That is, if I can get any sleep! ::sob::

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Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind.

Hehehe...http://web.tickle.com/...Have fun!

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Well...It's mostly true. Though I can't do the name an era/artist part real well. :: grin :: But the rest hit home fairly well. Clean house, PLEASE! LoL

Name the era, and you can name every artist from
it. You've got an eye for design and a knack
for feng shui. Color schemes, architecture, and
objt d'art - these are all your forts. What people love: You're the perfect person to shop
with. What people hate: They have to clean their house
whenever you come over.

What Kind of Elitist Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

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aggravated

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I don't know if I've ever written about it before...And if I have, I'm sorry..But I don't know, it hit me while I was laying in bed. If every time I got pregnant, I'd actually been able to carry the baby, I would have had seven kids by now. I have two between my hubby and I, and there is the little girl I gave up. Which of course, made me cry, cause I love my babies. I lost four babies. Three of them were with my hubby. I felt really bad, I didn't tell him about two of them till after Jacen was in my belly for about...three months or more. I guess my detatchment was an attempt at saying it didn't matter. Oh, but it did. I haven't told anyone in my family yet, or any of my friends for that matter, but I plan to buy two mother's rings next year. One for my kids, and one for the kids I've lost. I'll have to put two on one ring and five on the other. Since Caitlyn doesn't live with me. All this thinking brought me to a point that just burns me. Really makes me angry, so I generally don't think about it.

I haven't gotten any pictures of Caitlyn since 2001. All I ever wanted, all that was in the adoption agreement, was that I recieve letters and pictures. But nothing. Even attempting to talk to the people at the agency has gotten me..well. Not far. I think I'll try again tomorrow when I go to Fargo. I want results. I'm getting tired of getting brushed off.

Oh yeah, and I go in for a breast exam next week, day before Thanksgiving. I found a lump. My mom has breast cancer. So yeah. Gotta get it checked out...Have to say, I'm not thrilled. On the upside, since my mom's chemo and the removal of one of her breasts, she's only six months away from "freedom". Heh. Even I'm not sure what that means. It has to do with how long she's gone without any hint of reoccuring cancer. Eh. I'm happy for her. And I hope I don't have to repeat that treatment. Though...::snickers::...it would help me lose weight! Oiyas.

I haven't gotten a migraine in weeks, but I have one now. So I'm gonna go take care of my kids, put them to bed and try to get some sleep. Blah.